Maintaining a Healthy Marriage

When you're in love, it will last forever, right? Well, that's what I thought when I walked down the aisle.

My husband and I have been together since the age of 19. Oh, how young and in love we were. Fast forward six years later to a slightly older (but still young) me in a white dress and my dashing young husband waiting at the alter to take me as his bride. On that day, I believed that because our love was "true", it would endure. We would be the 1-out-of-2 who would survive this wonderful journey we call marriage.

Needless to say, I had a lot of learning to do, as did my husband. I mean, if all it took was to simply love each other, marriage would be easy, right?

While today I still believe we will be that 1-out-of-2, there was a time when that wasn't so. We had lawyers. We talked of parenting schedules. There were tears.  

Today, my marriage is back on track and healthier than ever. But that would not be the case had we not learned the hard way about what constitutes a "happy marriage" and what had been missing from ours.

Love alone doesn't do it. Several key attributes must work together to form a healthy marriage:

• Companionship: When couples are together for a long time, it's easy to fall into a pattern of going their separate ways. He goes to the game with the guys. She goes to that chick flick with the girls. And while a healthy dose of this behavior is necessary (we'll get to that later), it is critical to keep it in check. By actively participating in each other's interests, each partner is sending a message. When she goes with him to the game, she is forming a different type of connection with him. And by going to see that chick flick, he is demonstrating that he wants to spend time with her, even if he has to withstand 90 minutes of a sappy romance flick.  Let us not forget about those mutually enjoyable activities a concert, a nice dinner in the city or even a jaunt to the bowling alley. When spouses can view each other as companions, they are, in essence, keeping the fun alive.
• Intimacy: What is intimacy? Many believe intimacy is another word for sex. But in reality, true intimacy is achieved over time. In the words of Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D, in her book The Dance of Intimacy, "for starters, intimacy means that we can be who we are in a relationship, and allow the other person to do the same. An intimate relationship is one in which neither party silences, sacrifices, or betrays the self and each party expresses strength and vulnerability, weakness and competence in a balanced way."  In other words, a strong foundation of intimacy brings into the marriage a deep level of closeness and understanding with one another.
• Autonomy: "You complete me". Those were the romantic words uttered by Tom Cruise in the 1996 movie Jerry Maguire that have since permeated into pop culture. But anyone who has been in a long and lasting relationship knows that's a bunch of hogwash. To contribute wholly to a marriage, each spouse should be coming into the marriage already as a complete being. In that vein, spending time apart and nurturing one's independence is a key building block to a strong marital union. "You" don't complete me, "I" complete me.
• Sex: Here's a good one the ever popular topic of sex. Does a marriage really need it, or is it merely a nice-to-have? Sex serves its own very important purpose in a marriage. This physical bond is a way of celebrating intimacy between two people. Sex in a marriage cannot be neglected. It deserves as much care and attention as two people can muster up.
• Communication: What exactly is communication? Is it talking about the days events at the dinner table? Is it calling each other on the phone several times throughout the day? Is it sending each other love letters (or texts)? Sure. It's all of the above, and more. Communication in a marriage must be nurtured at all levels -- from day-to-day chatter to a discussion of feelings to sharing in the many joys and disappointments of life. But in order to keep the lines of communication open, a safe environment must exist. And that requires work on each spouse's part to trust each other enough to communicate freely.

Speaking of trust, why doesn't it make the list? The fact is, a marriage built on companionship, intimacy, autonomy, sex and communication breeds trust. Trust is a state that is formed over time. When all the above pieces are in place, the trust flows freely from there.

Like any work of art, a healthy marriage is formed from several key elements that blend together to create a beautiful masterpiece.

Nobody said it would be easy. But the end result is worth the work!